


Already Gone

by mygodhatesme (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Multi, Please Don't Hate Me, Suicide, Tags Are Hard, Tags Contain Spoilers, Triggers, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 15:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18813907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mygodhatesme
Summary: now all the memories are haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye





	Already Gone

**Author's Note:**

> i know i suck at writing anything but i literally have nothing to do and too many ideas wondering around in my head
> 
> this is very very heavy angst, i literally cried writing and please don’t continue reading if you’re triggered by anything in the tags
> 
> lots of love <3

Steve knocked on the red coloured door of the flat he used to spend his sunday nights in. 

He started looking around to see if there were any changes since he’s been gone.

He heard a familiar voice behind the door asking who he is, but it wasn’t the voice he was desperate to hear.

The door opened even though he didn’t respond, he saw the redhead who’s looking at him very angrily.

“Fucking hell Steve!” Steve wasn’t sure if she was glad to see him or just wanted to kill him.

“I’m sorry, Nat.” Natasha stepped back to let Steve in.

Steve started wondering around again to looking for any changes.

“Nope, I haven’t changed anything.” Steve smiled a bit, being satisfied with how much she knows him.

Steve didn’t know an easy way to ask the question in his mind.

He was very afraid of the answer.

“Where’s our boyfriend?” Steve asked Natasha, she took a deep breath before answering.

She was a very straight forward person but when it was about Bucky, everything was harder.

“He’s your boyfriend, you are the love of his life.” Natasha’s answer was just like he expected but it wasn’t the real question.

“You left him, you know I don’t care but he does.” Natasha again said before Steve was able to.

“Just tell me where he is, I’m worried.” Steve hated crying but he was so close to letting go of his tears, he just couldn’t resist.

Natasha was the only person he cried in front of, well other than Bucky.

“Why weren’t you worried when you decided to leave him.” Steve closed his eyes, he was about to say something but Natasha was faster.

“You fucked him up.” Natasha put her one hand on her hip, it was one of the things she did when she got angry.

“Where is he?” Steve raised his voice, Natasha hated that so she raised her voice as well.

“I don’t fucking know!” Steve’s jaw dropped.

He knew this would happen, he just was hoping that it wouldn’t.

“Oh my god, he’s on it again.” his breaths got shorter, he was basically freaking out.

“How long has he been gone for?” Steve had too many unanswered questions.

“About three months.” Natasha said, trying to put her eyes anywhere but Steve.

“Why the fuck you didn’t look for him?” Steve’s tears were dripping really fast.

“I looked for about two weeks, you know how determined he is. He know how to be invisible!” Steve knew exactly what Natasha was talking about.

He knew this wasn’t the first time he did this.

“You are the one to blame, you know that right?” Steve knew that very well and he regret leaving so much.

“He hasn’t answered my text since I’ve been gone, he told me he would answer.” his words made Natasha very angry.

“Then why didn’t you come back earlier?” Natasha asked with a more calm voice, she didn’t want to overwhelm Steve too much.

“I couldn’t resign from the job, the contract told I needed to work at least two months before resigning.” Steve was just trying to avoid being sued. 

Steve was a simple person, he always did what he said he would do.

Steve also trusted people too much.

“I think I know where he is.” Natasha looked confused.

“He’s at his parent’s flat.” Natasha didn’t understand, at all.

“I looked there!” Natasha raised her voice again.

“It was the first place I looked.” Steve shook his head.

“He doesn’t go there unless he’s out of money, since it’s summer his parents are out of town, he has a stash under the fridge and also his mother has a collection of wine.” Steve was speaking too fast for Natasha to understand.

“Best friends since childhood, I should’ve asked you first.” it was probably the only time Natasha regretted not asking someone else’s opinion.

Natasha took Steve’s bag from the ground, “Where are you other stuff?” 

Steve answered in a rush, “They’ll ship them in three days.” 

“Are you sure he’s there?” Natasha had to ask before Steve left.

“Trust me, I know him.” Steve shut the door after him.

Bucky’s parents lived in the same place since Bucky was born

It was a few blocks away from Natasha and Bucky’s flat, it was only Natasha’s now.

Which hurt Steve so much.

He climbed to the third floor as fast as he can, when he got there he looked at the wooden door.

The door he and Bucky had their first kiss behind.

He had so many memories and not all of them were good.

The past three months were hell for Steve, he was excited to have a new job and he thought he was ready for something new.

He loved Bucky so much, he trusted Bucky so much.

He didn’t leave Bucky when he overdosed, twice.

He didn’t leave Bucky when he was hospitalised, three times.

Three months ago, Steve was sure Bucky was good.

He was damn sure that he would be okay without him.

Natasha always told him, “You have too high expectations of him.” 

Steve knew it was true, he just wanted Bucky to be okay.

When he left, he didn’t think much.

He spent most of his life trying everything so Bucky could be better.

He sometimes forgot Bucky was an addict and how he doesn’t have a stable state of mind. 

He didn’t knock the door, he took the key in the mailbox and opened the door.

He was praying inside, he didn’t have much faith though. 

He took fast steps to Bucky’s room, he found Bucky sitting on his bed.

“Buck?” Steve said with his calmest voice possible. 

Steve didn’t even ask if he was okay, he stopped asking that a while ago.

Bucky always thought he wasn’t worth anyone’s time or love.

He always thought Steve should’ve had a life without him.

But when he was gone, they both were uncomfortable.

Steve was scared as he didn’t get a response from Bucky.

He took slow steps to him, he was so scared that he barely could walk.

He was dizzy and he could hear his heart beating inside him.

He sat on the edge of his bed.

The bed they spent nights reading comic books and going crazy over the plot twists.

He slowly pushed his two fingers on Bucky’s neck, trying to get his pulse.

He didn’t have a pulse, he was dead, his heart wasn’t beating.

Steve started crying more like he wasn’t crying already.

He put his head on Bucky’s chest, hoping he was wrong and Bucky was still alive.

He didn’t know if it was an overdose until he saw the empty zip lock bag on the floor.

Bucky had all kinda of drugs in there, he always had an emergency drug.

That was why they never visited Bucky’s parents for months while he was sober.

Everyone was so afraid of losing him they were ready to do anything.

Steve hated himself already for leaving.

He hated himself more than ever.

He hated for killing his one and only.

He could barely breathe, he knew he should call Natasha or anyone.

But he was just so scared of admitting that Bucky was gone because of him.

If he called no one, if no one knew besides him then Bucky will still be alive.

At least he thought so.

He got on his feet, started wondering around the flat.

He didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t want to call anyone, he knew calling would make it real.

He entered the kitchen, the window was open and the wind was really refreshing.

He thought how they enjoyed it together.

Both of their hair moving with the wind, the slight sun getting in their eyes.

Steve saw the big knife on the kitchen counter.

He grabbed it, he saw the powder on the other side.

Bucky usually used his lighter to crush the pills, guess he couldn’t find the lighter.

He grabbed the knife really well.

He started moving around his arms without pushing.

He placed it on his throat without hesitation and slit it with a fast motion.

The knife and he, both hit the ground.

The blood was staining the floor.

He didn’t have any last thoughts.

He didn’t have any last wishes.

His life ended with Bucky.

Natasha broke the door to get in just about an hour later.

It was too silent in the flat.

She could only hear the wind.

She directly went to Bucky’s room, she saw his cold body on the bed, looking all dead.

She went through all the rooms before going in the kitchen.

She didn’t see Steve, she was distracted by the sun getting in from the open window.

She saw Steve laying in blood as she was moving his eyes around the room.

She didn’t react at first.

It was kind of her thing, she didn’t like emotions.

It took her some time to understand what happened.

Natasha lost her family, her only family in the same time.

Both of them were gone.

At that moment, Natasha was sure she was right about hating emotions.

She told herself to start a new life without them, she knew she probably wouldn’t be able to.

She thought at least she could try.

She called everyone had to be called before she left the flat.

She moved her hands around Steve’s body, played with his beautiful blond hair for a while.

She moved herself to the bedroom.

She saw Bucky, again.

She never thought it would get this far.

She never believed this would happen.

Natasha knew, she shouldn’t have stopped looking.

She shouldn’t have let go of Bucky.

She kissed him for the last time

Said goodbye.


End file.
